I have been trying not to worry about ‘what ifs’ but focus on ‘what is’. Particularly important whilst on suspension from the ‘trial drug’ Gilenya due to my neutrophils (Pacmans) being “decimated” and feeling worse than I have for a long time with the annoying return and/or increase of some of my MS symptoms. Thinking about ‘what is’ led me to hesitate at my new boyfriend’s recent question – incidentally, as a pretend grown up, I hate calling him my ‘boyfriend’ so will probably go with MyMan when referring to him in the future… Anyway, MyMan asked the other day “What do you see for us in the future?”
This was not a casual question nor was he worried I might be seeking more from the relationship than him. From the start, he has been talking about how we have many years to do things together and where we will be together in our 70s. I love this man! I queried whether he meant the future future or just the immediate future.
Either way, his question made me think about a lovely quote I got from @lucyhunter on Twitter:
“Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
But today… today is a gift.
That is why they call it…
the present”
Most of my recent todays have felt gift-like but have not been without their MS induced mood changes. Tears are not particularly attractive but at least I am lucky now to be with someone who seems able to take the ups and downs in his stride.
In a bad ‘what if’ downer, I partially dreaded meeting up with people I hadn’t seen for many years at an old friend’s 50th birthday celebrations this last weekend (and no, I am not 50 myself). It turned out to be a lovely occasion and my doubts were unnecessary. The ‘what is’ was so much better than my what ifs and I even told a couple of people there about my MS without any trouble.
Driving to the hospital this morning for the blood test which will prove whether or not recent resting and almost healthy eating – well, trying for three meals a day anyway – has been successful at replenishing my pacmans, this song by The Wanted came on the radio.
And in case, like me, you are not an aficionado of The Wanted here are the Glad You Came lyrics
The lines that struck a particular chord were:
“all that counts
Is here and now”
Is here and now”
My here and now presently is fine. I hope your today is a gift.
Yes, my today is a gift. After being cooped up for over 2 weeks in the house because of summer heat, it cooled down, and I went outside! I try to focus on each day as it comes, and not look too far ahead...but it's hard.
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