I was driving back from a job recently. Going to MyMan’s house not my own home and the not-uncommon thought popped into my head that I am not the same now as I used to be.
My life’s changed, but then of course it has, it changes every day as does everybody’s. But now, I don’t know. Now I’ve got a man in my life. I have a commitment to him, to his family, his children. It’s changed. I like the change and yet part of me thinks… ooh that’s different… Did I want this? Did I seek it? Well, no but I’ve got it.
And moving on from that thought came this tune - The times they are a-changin'
It’s a protest song and sometimes I want to protest against my internal changes.
On Twitter @JSCarroll quoted Lewis Carroll: “It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.”
I don’t want to go back to yesterday. I don’t even want to go back to before I knew I have MS let alone before I actually developed it.
However, I hate some of the changes. The uncertainties. Never knowing what symptoms the condition may throw at me.
I am used to uncertainty. It comes with the territory when you are an actor – never knowing what the next job will be, when it will come, where you will go. And now I have some uncertainties being in a new relationship. I don’t yet know MyMan’s world. I trust him and it but there are still many changes to take on board.
I am hugely lucky to have the life I have. I have friends, I have family, I have MyMan, I have MS. These are not incompatible. There are changes and we change to accommodate our changes.
I used to say to acting students “it’s not enough to want to be an actor. You have to need it. If you can see yourself being happy doing anything else, do that. This is not an easy option.” I chose it. I didn’t choose MS. I am trying to change to accommodate my different priorities. It’s not always easy but then who wants an easy life?