The Bottom Line

Front to back I don’t look slack but side to side I’m a little bit wide.

Recently, my BFF asked her husband for an honest opinion on whether her bottom has got too big. She’s not a hugely self-conscious woman although did surprise me today by saying that she is having a personal shopper session on Thursday. It's part of the lead up to starting a new job. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been surprised. At the time, I was helping her choose frames for some new glasses. Part of the same lead up.

I’m quite good at doing this and have provided the same assistance to several other friends. That’s why she asked me. It’s all to do with the size of the head, shape of the eyes and where the frames go in relation to eyebrows.

Back to the bottom line. The husband replied that BFF’s bottom definitely is bigger than when they first met. She knew that. She has been getting rid of unwanted/unneeded clothes. She tried on some loved ones only to find they don’t fit any more.

I don’t think BFF is at all big bottomed. I do think I am.

A couple of years ago I went to a commercial casting. It was for a photo campaign for Courage beer. I was pencilled for it (this is when a casting director effectively options an actor whilst waiting for the client decision) but I didn’t get the job. The character was a woman with a big bottom wearing a tight fitting dress. The implied question to her boyfriend is: Does my bum look big in this? The resulting poster ad was banned. See this: Courage beer advertisement banned

I have also frequently done a roleplay job for the MOD Harassment Investigating Officer training programme. As part of their assessment, the candidates have to hold interviews with two complainants and the respondents. One of the complainants I play has had numerous comments made about her backside. She admits to having a big bottom.

Like many people, I would like to lose some weight. When I was last weighed at the hospital they told me my weight in kg. I’m more of a pounds and ounces girl. I went on to a conversion site to work out what I weigh and then, in an idle moment, I looked myself up on the Body Mass Index. Supposedly BMI range 18 to 25 is ‘normal’. I was 26.7 (overweight).

People usually tell me I don’t need to lose any weight. I am smaller than the UK average dress size. In some ways, I am quite slim. I’ve always had a relatively small waist. I am between hour glass and pear shaped with a generous chest (ample boobage) and my tummy is certainly more gently rounded than when I was a bright young thing.

Enough of this. It’s becoming like an internet dating site description. Not that I would know what that's like of course. (I do really.)

I’m not sure what the husband’s reply should have been. I suspect, despite BFF’s desire for honesty, he could have gone with ‘It looks good to me. What do you think?’ The bottom line is my BFF now believes that her bum is too big. And if she thinks hers is, where does that leave me?